Deodorant - Stinky conductor
- By Skin Goop
- 18 Jan, 2020
The conductor waited nervously in the wings while he was being introduced to the adoring fans in the audience. This would be the concert that would promote him to maestro of Carnegie Hall, guaranTEED!!! He tittered at the thought. “Those idiots at muzak school thought I’d be the conductor of a village community band forever. NOW look at me!” he thought, wiping his sweaty face with the extra large handkerchief his wife lovingly tucked into his conductor’s pants. She knew this was a very important performance for him and his orchestra, and she thought he’d be sweating a lot, so she thought ahead. Clever lady!
“Here’s the guy who’s going to be waving the stick so we all keep in time!” bellowed the 1st violinist, introducing the conductor to the attendants.
“Idiot!” thought the conductor, “I’ve told him countless times I’m THE MAN not the guy.” He walked to his podium/pile of phone books & eased himself up so he could look down on the musicians.
The conductor raised his hands way over his head and with a deft flick of his stick, er, his wand….no…uh…his Bic? With a flick of his Bic? No. With a grand flick of his chop stick the orchestra began to play. Pluck, pluck, pluck, zigga-zigga-zigga went the string section, melodically. Bwa, bwa, bwa, toot-toot-toot played the brass section members with much gusto & spittle flying. CRASH! announced the 2 garbage can lids right at the end, just where the sound of cymbals were to be played.
“Magnifico!!!!” cried the conductor. “Bravo, bravo!” he continued, praising the orchestra members for their outstanding performance.
“Lights! House lights!” yelled the conductor. He wanted to see the audience members' delightful smiles when he turned around to take a much-deserved bow.
“Waaahhhhhh?” gaped the conductor, straightening up from a deep bow.
“Ahem” whispered the 1st violinist to the conductor, “it appears the audience has fainted, sir.”
“I, I, I don’t understand” stammered the stammering conductor. “This performance was my ticket to Carnegie Hall!” A tear rolled down his cheek, he wiped it away quickly.
“Uh sir, maybe next time you should use Skin Goop’s deodorant. I think your arm-waving wafted your…..essence backwards, towards the audience” suggested the 1st violinist.
Do NOT let this happen to you!