Citrus Scrubby Soap - The Toilets Revolt
- By Skin Goop
- 19 Jan, 2020
Darlene awoke to a strange sound. She poked her slumbering husband. “Dagwood! Dagwood! Wake up!” she whispered. “Heh? Who? Who’s Dagwood?” asked Jerry sleepily.
“Errrrr…..” mumbled Darlene. “I think there’s a prowler in the house!” she said, pulling the duvet around her neck. “What are you….?” asked Jerry.
“Shhhhh!” hissed Darlene. “Listen!!! It sounds like bolts coming undone….or something….hey, the floor boards….in the bathroom….they’re creaking! Someone’s in the ensuite Jerry!!!!” yelled Darlene diving under the duvet.
Squeak, squeak, came the sound from the ensuite, growing louder and louder.
“Ah, for the love of….” grumbled Jerry. “I’ll go look.” Jerry got his feet into his slippers and shuffled towards the ensuite.
“Turn the light on so you can see!” suggested Darlene from the safety of the bed.
Jerry turned back to Darlene. “Yeah, thanks Darlene. You just stay right there, I’ll risk life and limb, no problem.”
Jerry stealed his nerves as he continued across the bedroom floor to the dark ensuite.
“Is it normally so dark in our bedroom?” thought Jerry as he nervously reached for the ensuite’s light switch. A bead of perspiration rolled towards his eye. Jerry wiped it away and switched on the light. “Wahhhhh?” he uttered.
Darlene peaked out from under the duvet. “What is it? Jerry, what is it?!”
“The toilet’s gone!” Jerry exclaimed. “It’s….just…gone!”
“OMG. Someone broke into the house while we slept and stole the toilet! What the heck?” perfused Darlene.
Darlene got out of bed. “What else is missing?” she asked.
“Let’s go look.” suggested Jerry, putting his housecoat on.
Jerry and Darlene quietly crept around the dark house. There was a noise coming from outside…..it sounded like there was a mob on the street.
They turned on the outside light and could NOT believe their eyes.
“Am I dreaming?” asked Jerry, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t believe it!” responded Darlene.
On the street, in front of their house, and all the houses on the block were toilets with their lids opening and closing, as though being conducting by a toilet maestro. They were all chanting in unison. “We’re tired of taking your 💩! We’re tired of taking your 💩! We don’t like it a bit! We don’t like it a bit!”
Jerry walked out into the street raising his arms, trying to placate the toilet crowd. “We need you all to go back to your homes.”
“We have feelings!!” gurgled the toilet in front of his neighbor’s house, threatening to over-flow.
“Yeah! We don’t get no respect” spat another toilet, flushing angrily.
“What is it you want?” asked Jerry.
“We all want to be cleaned regularly with a nice soap that smells like oranges” yelled the toilet from Darlene and Jerry’s ensuite. “We want Citrus Scrubby Soap, heretofore referred to as CSS, fat *ss!” it added.
Jerry blubbered, he didn’t know how to respond. Darlene walked in front of Jerry, protectively, and spoke thus to the toilets. “If we humans agree to buy CSS and clean you with it, will you go back to your homes?” she asked.
The toilets agreed, but asked for one more request to be fulfilled before going back to their houses….”We would like our friends, the bathtubs, showers and sinks to ALSO be cleaned with CSS. We all want to smell fresh!” proclaimed Darlene and Jerry’s toilet.
“O.K. Consider it done,” said Darlene, “Now get back inside you porcelain rascals.”
AND, the toilets, bathtubs, showers, sinks and MORE were cleaned with CSS, and everyone lived happily ever after.